Power of Labels

Herman Cain’s campaign is flailing and sputtering out of control due to Cain’s documented behavior with women. Cain’s campaign seems to be relying on some good ole misogynistic labels and myths to get him out of his increasingly dire situation. And, like many people who engage in subterfuge, Cain does tell us some truth, even if he doesn't realize it. From a Bloomberg article 11/09/11 (link below):

“Herman Cain said that sexual harassment claims against him are the work of political insiders trying to prevent a businessman from being elected U.S. president and that he expects more accusations.”

Note: the article mentions the label “businessman” several times.

“I have never acted inappropriately with anyone, period,” Cain said

“In denying Bialek’s claim yesterday, Cain said the “Democrat machine in America has brought forth a troubled woman” to make false accusations against him.”

OK, now let’s deconstruct:

Businessman: Violations of women don’t matter because Mr. Cain has business (i.e. man’s work) to attend. Stop distracting him with your whiney, petty complaints. It was just a joke. Don’t be so damn serious. If you can’t run with the big boys, stay home. Why would we worry about “boys being boys” when Mr. Cain has the keys to economic recovery in his pocket (just reach down in there honey and grab them.)

I have never acted inappropriately with anyone, period.: Mr. Cain probably actually believes this. Many abusive people do not (even to themselves) recognize, acknowledge, admit, or even consider that they could have done something wrong. Denial of reality is a surprisingly effective technique – as long as the person who is doing it a) believes it and b) says it enough times. The victims themselves with doubt their own truth, “Well, maybe it was just a joke…He didn’t actually abuse me because he only pulled my hair, etc”

Acknowledging as much, he [Cain] said, “It is natural that some voters would be turned off by the mere mention of the accusations.” He added, “Sexual harassment is a very serious charge.”: Women lie about abuse and throw this allegation out for some gain (i.e. politics, divorce, revenge). Some women do lie about abuse for gain, just as some people might make a false insurance claim, or embezzle money, or some other dishonest act. However, the much more probable and prevalent lie is the denial and minimization of the abuse.

Democratic machine: It wasn’t my fault because other people are out to get me. People who use this excuse often rely on it through their whole lives, “The teacher didn’t like me, my boss didn’t like me, the police officer was out to get me, my wife said I abused her because she wanted custody, etc.”

Troubled woman: Read “whore.” This is the most effective technique of all. Not only does it stop many folks from even examining the facts, it also shuts the victim down and any other uppity women who might want tell their stories. I have talked with thousands of women in my career who told me that during a beating, her abusive male partner called her a “whore, slut, trash, etc.” In more public areas, if a woman is successfully labeled a “whore”, it won’t matter what evidence is present as she’ll have been relegated to the trash heap.

Men who abuse women use all these techniques – and more – to deny the victim’s reality that her abuse is REAL and VALID. But, that last one, labeling her a “whore” is the gold standard, whether used in the bedroom, the boardroom, or the courtroom.

Linkt to article: http://www.businessweek.com/news/2011-11-09/cain-calls-harassment-claims-political-attack-on-businessman.html

She is Me

"THEY CAME FIRST for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. THEN THEY CAME for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. THEN THEY CAME for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. THEN THEY CAME for me and by that time no one was left to speak up."

- Pastor Martin Niemoller

I watched with pride recently as one of my clients testified

about the violence she endured from her ex-boyfriend. The defense attorney asked her, "If it was so bad, why didn't you call the police?" A family member had called in this case. With stark honestly my client said, "I really don't know. I think I was ashamed. My neighbors respect me and I didn't want them to know."

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Well, that is it. Shame. Embarrassment. Being bad. Being silenced because of her own fear of being found out as a woman unworthy.
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I have worked with thousands of women who have been victimized by the person who is supposed to love and cherish her the most. The very shame of that situation is enough to keep them silenced. The majority of them have expressed these thoughts: I didn't tell anyone because I thought it was my fault. He said if I was a better wife, he wouldn't get so mad. He compared me to other women and said they were good mothers and I was not. I believed him. Everyone thought I had a great life and I was too ashamed to acknowledge that I didn't. People like me (fill in the blank - doctor, lawyer, police officer, social worker, psychologist, stay-at-home mom), don't live like this. I thought I was the only one.

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Domestic violence is not an equal opportunity crime. It is a gender-based crime. All women ought to be outraged by it. If one women is battered, we are all battered.
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Women can beat men. I've seen many cases. And I'm not addressing domestic violence in same sex relationships here in this blog entry. What I'm talking about is the vast majority of domestic violence crime - and it isn't simply one man beating and subjugating one woman. Domestic violence is the ugly operationalization of how women are valued in the world.
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I wonder how it is that I have counseled thousands of women and how each one feels alone. Does that mean we are not supporting each other? Are we unable or unwilling to identify when our friends or sisters are in pain? Do we blame them - call her slut, whore, drunk, bad mother, bad wife - when really she is a victim and product of her environment and assigned value?

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She is me. She is you. Don't let her or yourself be silenced by shame and fear. If more of us name it , own it, and demand better we can increase safety and value for all women. And, that makes things better for all people.

Against Survival Instincts - Prey Protects Predator

"I was the prey who protected the predator at all costs."

"When you insulted him, you insulted me."

- Formerly Battered Women

I believe I have underestimated the power and seduction the batterer has over his partner when he is facing judgment.

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I was recently involved in a trial in which a man had several felony charges leveled against him, including aggravated assault with a deadly weapon and a felony weapons charge. He'd been in custody several times before, charged and convicted of violence against other women and strangers. He'd had protective orders filed against him, not only for the victim in his current case, but other women as well. Family Court and CPS had ordered him to stay away from his own children due to his violence. Nothing stopped his violence - not being arrested, no court, no person, no conscience. He used weapons. He forced them to have sex. He beat his partners when they were pregnant. He stalked them when they tried to leave him. He beat and threatened people who tried to help women who left him. He is the very definition of a "serial batterer."
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And yet. There they were at the end of the day. Awaiting the jury's verdict. He cried and she comforted him. SHE COMFORTED HIM. As I observed them, I realized all these years, I had severely underestimated the seductive power of this behavior.

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This truly evil man who hurts all the people who love him, this predator has the ultimate weapon to reel in his prey. It isn't violence, or threats, or intimidation. It is his willingness to seek protection from her. And she is willing and perhaps even relieved to give it. And - in that moment - they become sealed in a way that no one can break. They become fused as one. No one can intervene. Until, it happens again. Until, he hurts her again. Or, betrays her in some way.