Rihanna TOLD Chris Brown

Rihanna - You are an amazing, insightful, and smart young woman. Your singular act of bravery by appearing on 20/20 last week is truly one of the important, pivotal moments in our struggle to change the way the world views domestic violence. Bravo.

Chris Brown - You've got a long way to go. If you think this is any way a private matter, you are stuck back in 1965. Rihanna acknowledges and you must too, that EVERYONE is watching and learning by your actions, your choices, and your words.

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In Chris Brown's scripted apology, he can't hide his true thoughts and feelings. He tries to say all the right things, but his frustration and annoyance with Rihanna comes out when he talks about his apology, "I am telling you and I have TOLD Rihanna countless times..." When I hear it, it sounds like, "I have told that B**** countless times." See what you think:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CzZUsNC76GU

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When left to his own, he did what most batterers do - he said he couldn't remember, couldn't talk, and now says it is should be "a private matter." He says, "That's not who I am." Actually, yes - that is who you are. The first step in being different is accepting that you made the decision to use violence. And it is that - a decision - a choice.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GLmn30nORzA&feature=PlayList&p=5E7D8626F58F3A16&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=23

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What strikes me now is how they both grew up in homes with domestic violence. Both have publically talked about it. Rihanna has made the connection. I hope Chris Brown eventually does. He'll be happier and so will his next partner. Rihanna is well on her way to understanding, accepting, and becoming healthy.

Crying Without Tears

In my career, I have born witness to thousands of stories of shocking violence, incredible bravery, and unabashed raw human emotion. I count myself extremely fortunate and humbled to be able to share in my clients' journey from victimized to victor.

A little background for my story. Here in Texas, victims can give a statement after a trial or guilty plea. Basically, after everything is over, the victim can say a few words to the defendant. Many people don't do this, possibly because they may have had a chance to say what they needed in the trial. Generally, we only see these done in the more serious cases - like an aggravated assault, a robbery, or a murder (given by the victim's family usually).

Recently, I saw a police officer give a victim impact statement in court and it left me stunned. Which, considering my long history of hearing stories of violence and survivial, is really saying something.

The nearly 20 year veteren officer got a call that a man was holding his ex-wife hostage at gunpoint. This officer was the first at the scene. He thought about how he'd want someone to try and save his own children if they were in this situation, so he kicked in the door and confronted the man. It was a real time-stopping standoff. The man moved his ex-wife in front of him. Eventually, the man and the ex-wife moved to a bedroom. Swat came. After several hours, the man finally gave up.

In his victim impact statement, the officer stood to face the defendant. He had just in that moment decided he would give a statement, so he hadn't prepared what he would say. The officer told the defendant, "I would have killed you if I could have." He went on to describe that he just couldn't get a clean shot. He said it plain as day - not bragging, not even angry, just a fact. I would have killed you if I could have. Perhaps he was saying it as much to himself as the defendant. I had the sense the officer had been living with the terrible burden of this reality - that, yes, he would have killed another human being.

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The officer talked about how in that moment - defendant holding the gun to his ex's head, officer holding gun on def - the officer thought about his baby son and wondered who would take care of his family if he died. He described how time slowed down just as he'd heard people say about life and death situations.

At the end of his statement, the officer told the defendant he had another chance. And, not to blow it.

So - the title of blog entry - Crying Without Tears - that's how I felt when I saw the officer give his statement. Like the proverbial "punch in the gut." For days after in my mind I heard him say, "I would have killed you if I could have." Spoken like a humble warrier, a regular guy turned soldier, a man who protected someone else's child as he'd want his own protected - a real hero.

Good Advice from a Smart Person

One of my mentors just retired. During his career, he had worked his way up from a line worker to a senior manager who supervised thousands of people over the years. Here is some advice he's given me over the years:

Hire People who are Smart, Work Hard and Get Along with Others

He always said it was really hard to find all three qualities in one person. You might get someone who worked hard, got along with others, but maybe was of average intelligence. Or, maybe you got someone who got along well with her co-workers, was smart, but kind of lazy.

People get into BIG Trouble for Lying, Not for What they Lied About

This is a good one and some people call this "falling on the sword." In other words, if you do something wrong it is better to simply admit you did made a bad decision. What gets most people in serious trouble is not the bad decision, but the "cover-up" and lying about it. Think Bill Clinton.

You Don't Know a Person Until You See Them Under Stress

Anyone can be nice at a party. You don't really know a person's character until you see them under stress, her back against the wall. Is she they type of person who'll throw everyone under the bus? Or, will she get out in front and take control? Will he become angry and nervous, or will he become focused and ready to deal with the problem?

Try Not to Say Bad Things about People

If you think something bad about another person, keep it to yourself, unless you have no other choice. You never know how this might come back to haunt you. For instance, if you think someone is less than honest, be careful around that person. If you have a say on where she works, try and put in her in a position in which she won't impact too many people. Truth will eventually out and people like this will eventually do themselves in.

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Get All the Facts Before you Make a Decision

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This sounds like a no-brainer. But it isn't. It is easy to go with emotion and make a decision before 1) gathering all the information and 2) weighing all the decisions. Gathering all the information means talking to all the parties who might be involved. The trick is not to let how you feel about someone get in the way. If you need to review documents, do that. The big thing is not to be too reactive. Take the time to gather all the puzzle pieces before trying to put it together. Weighing all the decisions means really thinking about the outcomes. The more political the decision, the more it needs to be considered. Some things really can't be undone.

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Don't Let Your Ego Get in the Way

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This is a really tough one for most of us (me included). It is easy to respond to a situation from a personal perspective - that really made me mad. But, the best thing is always to take a breath and look at the situation from a variety of angles, and to put yourself in someone else's shoes - to really try and understand how others see it.

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I love my mentors and am extremely grateful for all their patience and guidance. I have had several of them in my life and I hope that I can provide mentorship to others as I gain more experience.