Mother's Wound

Mother is one to whom you hurry when you are troubled. ~Emily Dickinson

One of the most difficult parts of my job is working on homicide cases. Most all death is devastating, unexpected death often more so. It brings a particular type of loss, grief, and guilt. Most everyone feels they “should have done more.”

I spoke with a mom who lost a grown child to domestic violence. She recalled the last time she saw her daughter alive. She made breakfast for her. She told me in detail how she made pancakes, eggs, and orange juice. Then her daughter went out the door, lost to her mother forever. This mom did not know she was making her last memories with her daughter. I am sure she wishes she could have stopped her from going as she looks back.

She told me that she dreams of her daughter, begging her mother for help that can’t be given. She doesn’t sleep for fear of seeing her daughter suffer, as she surely must have when her ex-husband shot her multiple times. It had been 18 months since her daughter’s murder and the mom carried her pain as though it happened last week. She told me she doesn’t know how to make it stop. I don’t either. Those are the times when we simply acknowledge and witness.

If I can't have you...

I saw this sign for sale at my local convenience store. Isn’t this the classic example for a “sudden passion” defense? A man comes home and finds his wife in bed with another man, so he kills them. Most of the domestic violence homicides I have worked on involved this sentiment:

She had another man around my kids.
If I can’t have you, no one will (cliché, but true).

I told her I better not catch her with no other man.

She disrespected me.

Nevermind that in most of my cases, she has left him. She left him after he's been beating on her, after he's been cheating on her, after her kids suffered - none of that matters. The point with the sentiment behind this sign and the thinking of most of the domestic killers I've seen is this: She is HIS property. He has a right to defend HIS property.

We know that the most lethal time in a domestic violence relationship is when she is leaving. He is not letting his property walk away. We also know that her danger increases when he thinks she is involved with someone else. I worked on a case in which a woman had been out for a year. After years of beating her, he finally let her go. Her fatal move was when she thought a year was enough time to begin a relationship with a new man - and by all accounts a nice man. Her ex killed them both. When the police caught him, he said he wasn't having another man around his kids - she wasn't going to do that to him.

Secrets and Disclosure Remorse

...then you will lift up your face without shame; you will stand firm and without fear.
Job 11:15
**************************
I met with a woman in her mid-50s who was leaving a 30 year abusive marriage. She was nervous and had trouble making eye contact with me. I suspected she has having difficulty because she told me things she had kept hidden for years and years. This was a professional woman, who raised children, went to church, did all the things many of us do – all the while burying deep inside of her the pain and shame of being abused at home. There had been no police reports in all these years. She had not taken photos of her injuries. There were no shelter, medical or counselor records. All these years, she lived in two worlds – our world and her own 2nd level of hell.
I had worked with many women just like her over the years. Like many of these women, she self-medicated her pain and shame. In addition to hiding the abuse, she was also hiding alcohol dependence. It makes perfect sense. We are not made to live like this. However, we are made to survive.
Part of surviving is our body and brain makes sure we keep going, making adjustments as needed. For instance, if someone is being strangled, they will find that their arms and legs won’t work. That is because the body is taking care of the vital organs – the heart, lungs, renal system, and brain. When we’re exposed to trauma, our body finds a way to adjust. We do that by disconnecting and medicating. Disconnecting allows trauma victims to live in two worlds, as my client was. Disconnecting separates emotions from reality. People who are new to this field are amazed that a domestic violence survivor can look them straight in the eye and tell them the most amazing lies – “no, he isn’t violent…he’s a great dad…I’m the one with the problems…” Self-medication includes both legal and illegal substance use – alcohol, xanax, valium, anti-depressants, marijuana, etc.
Once the crisis is passed for survivors, I strongly encourage them to go to counseling to reconnect and heal. I explain about all the emotions that will resurfance once they are no longer living a day-to-day existence.
This woman wouldn’t talk with me anymore after we met. That isn’t surprising. It is disconcerting to tell these long-hidden shameful secrets. The response is often to have “disclosure remorse” – it was just too scary to open THAT box. But, telling someone is a huge step. Sometimes people start with that and don’t make any other changes for a while. Sometimes they call the police and tell them. By the time we talk to them, the secret is buried once again.
So if someone tells you a secret like this, it is important to recognize how hard it was to tell. That person needs to hear: I’m glad you told me. You’re doing the right thing by talking about it. It wasn’t your fault. There is help when you are ready. You deserve to be in a healthy relationship. You don’t deserve to be abused. I’m so sorry you went through that. You can be safe.
This is a journey, a process. I tell my clients it usually took a while to get to where they are when I meet them. So, it might take a while to get reset. I’m honored to be one of the people who can help them.