Out of Bounds

I always thought I could make it big if I thought of my own therapy. I could even put a little ™ by the title. I'm going to call it Family Realignment Therapy.

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Here's out it will work. I'll meet with a family and assess where they are in terms of relationships. Then, I'll use various techniques to properly realign family relationships. In my work, I often meet with children who have had to take on adult responsibilities. Or, the parents are so busy dealing with their own problems, they don't give much direction or establish boundaries with their kids.

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I'm not talking about "bad" people who do this. I'm talking about people like you and me. (After all, how can you or I be bad?)

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Here's an example. I once worked with a woman for several years to get out and stay out of an abusive relationship. Like many battered women, she became isolated from friends and family. As a result, her confidant became her 9 year old son. She told me she didn't know what she'd do without him. He always knew the right thing to say and do to help her. I'm sure he did. I met him. He was a precocious little boy. He was sweet and aware of way too many adult issues. Mom really didn't see how she was burdening her son.

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Like many people living in crisis and trauma she couldn't see past "the moment." Planning for the future or looking at the big picture isn't part of the program. I encouraged her to get into counseling and put her son in counseling to realign that family relationship. I have kids and, yes, they are a comfort. But, it can't be their job to meet my emotional needs. I'm supposed to meet their needs. I'm supposed to take care of them, to set boundaries, to be the parent. I know it is a cliche, but if we are our kids' friend, we're probably not their parent - at least until they are grown.

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P.S. I had to learn how to set boundaries/rules my own kids and mean it. I gave in too easily and I have learned it is better in the long run to say, mean it, and stick with it. It is harder too, but gets easier with practice.

Two things my own kids hear a lot:

1) Don't confuse me for one of your friends. (often said when they want to give me some attitude) and

2) How many mothers do you have? Answer: 1 (that's right).