Saturday, January 16, 2010

Against Survival Instincts - Prey Protects Predator

"I was the prey who protected the predator at all costs."

"When you insulted him, you insulted me."

- Formerly Battered Women

I believe I have underestimated the power and seduction the batterer has over his partner when he is facing judgment.
I was recently involved in a trial in which a man had several felony charges leveled against him, including aggravated assault with a deadly weapon and a felony weapons charge. He'd been in custody several times before, charged and convicted of violence against other women and strangers. He'd had protective orders filed against him, not only for the victim in his current case, but other women as well. Family Court and CPS had ordered him to stay away from his own children due to his violence. Nothing stopped his violence - not being arrested, no court, no person, no conscience. He used weapons. He forced them to have sex. He beat his partners when they were pregnant. He stalked them when they tried to leave him. He beat and threatened people who tried to help women who left him. He is the very definition of a "serial batterer."
And yet. There they were at the end of the day. Awaiting the jury's verdict. He cried and she comforted him. SHE COMFORTED HIM. As I observed them, I realized all these years, I had severely underestimated the seductive power of this behavior.
This truly evil man who hurts all the people who love him, this predator has the ultimate weapon to reel in his prey. It isn't violence, or threats, or intimidation. It is his willingness to seek protection from her. And she is willing and perhaps even relieved to give it. And - in that moment - they become sealed in a way that no one can break. They become fused as one. No one can intervene. Until, it happens again. Until, he hurts her again. Or, betrays her in some way.


Anonymous said...

I am not surprised but I am disgusted. I am currently being preyed upon by an abusive predator with a dear child in the middle as a pawn. It is ruining our lives. Rocked our foundation I managed to create. He has several felonies of the 'non-violent' kind but has history of violence he has been able to dodge the law about in one way or another. Destroying me is the goal for trying to put closure on the continued harrassment. I wish I could list his name on a search engine and ask any women he has hurt to testify but even knowing family, friends and neighbors are afraid to become the next target. It leaves you quite alone......

Anonymous said...

I don't get it.
"It is his willingness to seek protection from her."
Did you mean for her? As in: he continues to engage in this behaviour that results in his arrest, so that she has a reprieve from him? At least until he gets out and does it again?
As for anonymous, RUN! I know it's not fair, but to have the life you want, it is what you need to do. Become truly anonymous. Or, start carrying a weapon, and don't be afraid to use it!

CJ Social Worker said...

"From her" That is what I meant to say. It is a very seductive thing - she gains some power back (sort of). He turns into the victim and she comforts him.

P.S. First anonymous - can you call the domestic violence hotline and start talking with someone - 1-800-799-SAFE?